You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
