I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
