My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
