I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
