Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
