Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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