dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
