I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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