Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
