last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
