He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
my nose is crying tears of wow.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
