I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
