she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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