I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
did i walk over a car last night?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
