you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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