the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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