Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
3 2 1 whiskey
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
