Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
