this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
