i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
