i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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