Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
