Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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