You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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