It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
