i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
