Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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