my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
