Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
