I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
