Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
