I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
