I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
