Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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