Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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