What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
