Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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