every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
