my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
