I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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