you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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