Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
