why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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