I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
