Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
