My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
