its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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