alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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