Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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