I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
