I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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